he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
