He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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