it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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