And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
