i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize