i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
