Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
no, he came in my armpit
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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