guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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