my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
