when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
