This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
