You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
