fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
