Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You did what with his pubic hair?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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