My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
