I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
