every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
