I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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