I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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