Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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