sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
