i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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