There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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