my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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