What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
