I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
