as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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