I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize