Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
