Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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