my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
