and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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