something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
