i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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