...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
