that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
