sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
