Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
