the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
