First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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