mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
