i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize