i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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