also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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