My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
