From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
