im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm getting married
To pizza
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
