I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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