My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
