2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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