the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
