I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
