You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize