stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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