Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
