period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
