She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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