Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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