So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize