I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
