remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
